[MUSIC – B. SQUID, “RADIO SILENCE”] Ah. F– Hi. I’m Paul. Did you sleep in here? Maybe. How do we– there is literally no way I’m going to let you inside me. Woo. Oh. I let you inside me. Well, I’d like to think I charmed you into letting me inside you, but yeah, I was in there. Hey, are you OK, because you left hours ago, and you look real pale, and you smell like sadness. I have AIDS. Joke– I don’t have AIDS. That’s not funny. Well, great talk. Got to go. Real busy. You know what? Just thinking out loud here– I don’t have to be at work for another 30 minutes, and I’ve got an erection that is begging to come back, so maybe we can you know.
OK, but I want your mug. OK. OK. I’m going to miss that thing. All right, well, I’ll see you in there. [MUSIC – B. SQUID, “RADIO SILENCE”] [VOMITING] Sir, I know you’re upset. You promised. You promised that if I got here by AM that I could have the slutty brownie, and bow it’s AM. I got here at 5:00. Today is my cheat day. I skipped drum circle so I could be here early– drum circle. Do you know how upsetting that is? It seems unbearable. Don’t patronize me. Oh, here she is. Here is our pastry chef. Angela, this gentleman would love a– Slutty brownie. Exactly. I don’t get your mug. Oh yeah, I think it just means a drink out of your mom, like her vaginal fluids maybe, or I don’t really know, but it’s fun, right? $11.95. Thank you so much, sir. We really– This better not give me cancer. I can’t guarantee that. Kitchen. No. Kitchen. No. Are you serious right now? Are you serious right now? Hey, you do remember you were supposed to open this morning, right? I’m sorry.
It was a weird morning. I think I worked myself up for this mug. Ang, I quit law school to be your partner in this. So unless this mug grows into a fucking beanstalk which leads us to a pot of gold, I suggest you help me with this. OK, I’m sorry. I love you. I know. You going to compliment my cake? I will when it’s done. It’s– it’s half-done. It’s going to be ready for tonight, right? Yeah, it’s good. Relax. Do you think Amit’s parents are going to hate me and then make them take back the ring, and then one day I’m going to choke on some “paste-o” dinner, and I’m probably going to die, and nobody’s going to find my body because obviously no one will ever love me, and I’ll be by myself for the rest of my life? Sweetie, I think you’re saying pesto wrong. I’m Italian. You’re saying “paste-o” wrong. Look. It’s going to be great. Everything’s going to be great. You’re going to be great. They’re going to be great. Plus, they’re going to love your cake so much, they’re going to want to put a little Amid right up inside of you.
What did I tell you about touching my vagina? To do it? K, thank you. And thank you for making this cake in time for tonight’s party. Yeah, girl. Yeah– you going to keep shoveling that frosting in your face, or should I call your therapist now? OK, don’t do that. Mm-mm. Go. Get out. Get out of my face. Go. OK. Get pretty. I’ll bring it over. Hello, beautiful. [MUSIC – VLAD BARANOVSKY, “NEVER MET”] [VOMITING] OK. OK, I’m back on track, back on track, back on track. [PHONE RINGING] OK, who the fuck is this? Angela, this is Joshua Amstel.
I’m calling about your intake assessment. OK. Specifically, you’re 20 minutes late for it. Dude, I think you have the wrong number. Angela Mills? Yeah? Great. So you’re 20 minutes for your intake assessment at the Healing Hearts Eating Disorder Treatment Facility. Eating disorder treatment facility? You signed yourself into treatment last night. You know why you’re hitting on me right now? Because I just threw up in the bathroom. Women tricks. Pow. Angela, you need to come in tomorrow. Sometimes I just want to die. Please, come in tomorrow. No, I said die. But I’m going to go home with Paul. He has his own mug. Isn’t that stupid? Wow, me. Uh, I’m sorry you can take me off your list. I don’t have an eating disorder. Well, if you don’t show up in the next 35 minutes, you will be charged our full day rate, which is $1,200. $1,200? Are you fucking shitting me? Our address is 633 E.
Westerby Way. We look forward to meeting with you? Fuck. What the fuck? [MUSIC – B. SQUID, ” OK, where the fuck is Frodo? Oh my god, you can’t eat in here? No, no, no, no, no. You– Frodo better be in fucking Mordor, or I’m going to lose my shit. Wow, you’re really angry. Look. Somebody here called me from your little food clinic– oh. Food clinic– Frodo Clinkn.
I see what I did there. You’re not fat. And you’re not thin. And you look like you’ve been drunk for, like, a week. Let me guess. Oh, I got– bulimia. Am I right? Am I right? OK, let me see your teeth. Not OK. Not OK. Just go like this. Not OK. [INTERPOSING VOICES] Not OK. Sorry. You almost bit me there. [SCREAMING] Yeah, well, fuck your mother! Oh, hell no. Didn’t I tell you fuckers last week that if you brought in one more skinny bitch I’d kill myself right here in this fucking lobby. What? What? Do you think my insurance is going to cover that? What do you think? Oh, I hope you choke on a low-fat dick. I’m out. We have fun here. But he’ll see you now. Go on. Frodo. Angela Mills. Thanks for the blackmail. Dude, I was piss-drunk last night. There is no way I meant to sign up for this fucking clinic. OK. I was picking up on you last night, all right? Really? Guilty. You caught me, OK? But after we talked for a second, I had you fill out one of these.
Frodo, you are terrible with women, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume that you’ll die alone. I am terrified of being overweight. Your answer– always. I feel out of control when it comes to food. Sound familiar? Always. Food occupies the majority of my thoughts– always. I vomited after I eat– always. Do you have food in your mouth? No. Did you put food– don’t. You can’t eat in here. I’m not. Come on. Give me that. OK, oh boy. Thanks, I guess. Anyway, it goes on like this for a while. Come on, man. This isn’t the fucking ’90s. Nobody has an eating disorder anymore. Look, I appreciate the concern Mr. I Save Sad Women So I Can Fuck Them. But I’m fine, OK? All right, I’m just going– [INTERPOSING VOICES] What are you doing? Oh, Jesus.
Listen. Oh, wow. You have bulimia. You know how serious that is? Bulimia can cause seizures. It can cause ulcers, depression. Yeah. Heart attacks. Uh-huh. OK, I don’t think you know how sick you are. And I think that you’re feeling out of control inside. I feel– I feel like you’re– you’re drinking, like you did last night. And you’re acting out, and you’re making yourself throw up so that you– No. No. What are you doing? Come on, don’t. Stop. No? No. That’s not what you’re looking for? No. No. Come on– a $1,2000 fine after coercing me to sign some papers while I was drunk? Dude, I’ve watched enough “Law and Order” to know there is no way that’s legal. Just ask me out, dude. I’ll say yes. I have no standards. I fucked a guy for this mug this morning. I want to admit you to our partial-hospitalization program, OK? It’s to 6:00. It’s Monday through Saturday. We’re going to work with your insurance. You’re not going to have to pay. Hospitalization program? Yeah. OK. OK, I get it. Good. I know I have a problem. This is serious. OK. It’s just going to– it’s going to take me a little time to think about it.
Yeah, of course. Hey, this is a lot. You know how good it was you came today? This is good. This is part of it. This is good, Angela. (SOBBING) Fuck your mom. Yeah. This is– what? (SOBBING) Fuck your mom. I’m sorry. Fuck your mom. [MUSIC PLAYING] [PHONE RINGING] Shit. Oh, shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Hey. Hey. Why are we meeting out here? Are we doing a drug deal? I just didn’t, like, want to see anybody. I’m having a shitty day. Can I talk to you for a second? OK, but first me. I think Amit’s mom hates me and wants me to die in a fire. Like an explosion or just a regular house fire? OK, will you come back in there with me, please? If I have to do this alone, I think I might drown myself in my own “paste-o.” It’s pesto. Just say pesto. I’m going to beat you to death with this cake. Please. Please. Fine. Fine. It’s perfect, because I’m already drunk. So let’s party. OK, fine, whatever.
So Paul’s like a thing that you’re– like you’re serious about? Be nice to him. He’s such a great guy. Wow, it smells like an Italian sex club in here. Elisa, this is my very best friend, Angela. Angela, this is Elisa, Amit’s mom. Hi. Hello. Hello. Hi, Amid never told me how epically bang-able his mother is. I never told you that? That’s so weird. How old are you? Jesus, did you birth him in the womb? Well, your skin is like an angel. I was a teen mom. Not something we usually brag about, but sure. Don’t be sexist, Amit. She can pop them out whenever she damn well wants. Oh, let’s not talk about that. Oh, I like this one, Amit. Maybe you should date her instead. No, no, just kidding.
Although, you never know. Angela was nice enough to bring over the cake that I made, so I figured she should stay and eat some of the cake that I made. Angela, I love your hair color. Thank you. I have the same hair color, only mine’s natural. Angela’s my business partner when she’s not drunk or late or just generally being a disaster. What are you doing sweetie? I’m not really sure.
Wait till you taste this cake. It’s fantastic. No, I don’t do sugar. I hear a new guest. Oh, hi, wow. Amit, you didn’t tell me that you were dating two beautiful women. What? No, I’m not dating her, dude. I am Paul. And that is what I am. Angela. Are you Amit’s dad? No, God, no. Oh, I wish. No, Amit’s dad’s dead. No, not– he’s not dead, no. We don’t know. We do know. He’s not– he’s at home. Paul is my boyfriend. Or Amit’s new dad, as we all like to say. Nobody says that because he’s my age. He tutored me in high school. OK, well, let’s see who you call next time you get one of those bad dreams, hey, buddy. I’m not going to call you. Stop asking. Hey, call me Dad. I’m not going to call you dad. Amit, I love you. I love you. Angela, tell us about yourself. Are you dating anyone? Angela’s actually doing this whole thing called– what– freedom year, where she just sleeps with a ton of people until she gets herpes.
Did you get your test results back, by the way? I’m sorry to hear that, because you are certainly a catch. Thank you. She has herpes? I don’t know. Angela has to leave. She has a horrible relationship with food, so we don’t want to trigger anything. No. So let’s say bye for now, OK. Oh, no. No, I’m going to stay. I’m going to stay. I want some more wine. I want some more pasta, and I think it’s time for the cake. No, no, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, [INTERPOSING VOICES] –ready for the cake yet, Angela. Angela, please. I’m sorry– engagement? Surprise. [MUSIC – B. SQUID, “RADIO SILENCE”] Michael, hey, this is Joshua Amstel. I was hoping I could catch you. I wanted to talk, because I want to act out. I’m sorry to bother you. God, let me just lay it out there, and you can call me back and tell me what you think. Been feeling triggered lately. So I put myself on a three-day time out, abstained from everything. And it was going OK. But I went out last night, and I met somebody.
And well, I want to hook up with her. I know I can’t do that. So I thought it might be a good idea to jerk off to some pictures that we took at the bar. If you could call me back or talk me through this or send me an email. Oh god, I hope you’re not in a car with your family on Bluetooth. I apologize. I wanted to masturbate to some photos we took, which is not good either. So anyway, also she may or may not be a patient of mine. [MUSIC – B. SQUID, “RADIO SILENCE”] I’d like to make a toast. Please don’t. Here is to a perfectly convenient union of two boring people who decided it was probably time to get married. I hope you have a lifetime of marginal love and settling. I’ll drink to that. Go the fuck home, Angela. I have to admit I still like her better than that one. Oh, but let’s be honest you’re not a very good judge of character.
What? What? What? What? What? You don’t recognize this rad mug? No. (FRENCH ACCENT) Tu est boyfriend le fucked me last night. I don’t speak French. But yeah, I fucked Paul. Oh, that’s your mug. Oh, I get the joke now. Go home, please. Just go home. Fine. But I’m taking my cake Yeah, that’s right. I made this cake. I’m a motherfucking artist, so fuck you and fuck your mom. And I’m taking my fucking mug. [PHONE RINGING] This is Joshua Amstel at the Healing Hearts– Hello, this is Joshua Amstel.
I have a super-tiny office. I almost definitely had an adult circumcision. You’re so fricking serious all the time. You’re like, how can I help you? I talk like a 60-year-old man. Frodo, classic fucking Frodo. Angela, you can’t talk– you can’t talk to me like this. We can’t talk like this. We don’t have this kind of relationship. Your just mad because I totally nailed that impression of you. Hey. What? Hey. What? Hey, hey, hey. What? What was your hot wife’s name? Did you kill her? Be honest. I’m a friend. What are you doing? Nothing. Are you OK? Yes. Are you sure? Angela? [VOMITING] Oh my god, Angela. Fuck. [MUSIC – B. SQUID, “MELT AWAY”] I’m done. I’m so done. I’m breaking up with you. Our friendship is over. And no calling me tomorrow saying how sorry you are, and that you’re going to get help, and you’re going to get better.
I don’t believe you. You know, I really needed you tonight. But instead, you made my engagement party a big fucking circus. And I hate the circus– stupid fucking stilt fuckers. You just wanted me there to make yourself look better. No, I wanted you there as backup– backup that didn’t sleep with my future mother-in-law’s boyfriend. You’re so fucking selfish. (WHISPERING) Stop the car. What? Just stop car.
Hey, is that my cake? Are you seriously still eating my fucking cake? No. This is my cake. [MUSIC – B. SQUID, “MELT AWAY”] [KNOCKING] Help. Hey? Hey. Help. Help, hey. Hey, somebody. [DOOR OPENING] Frodo. I’m fine. [MUSIC – B. SQUID, “DOOR IS OPEN”].
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